Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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