I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize