I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
