God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize