You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
