Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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