i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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