I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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