I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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