they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize