i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize