Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
