theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize