I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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