i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
