Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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