I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
