He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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