I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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