My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
