I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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