Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
