Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
