I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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