i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I believe in your delicious
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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