I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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