well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
