I'm eating all of the evidence.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
