Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
