Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize