Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
