I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
