my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
