so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
