captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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