Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
3pm strippers are depressing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
