I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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