I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
