How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
