things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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