Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
