I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
is wine microwaveable?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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