I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
