I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
