this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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