omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
