i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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