Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize