cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My feet surprised me
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