wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
