I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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