I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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