He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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