Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
