life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
