My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
