I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sober January is a disaster.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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