I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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