Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
that may or may not have been my penis.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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