I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
